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2020-10-17

I only shower once a week. I am just too lazy to shower more often. I usually smell pretty bad after seven days without a shower. I showered just now. Will be smelling fresh in church tomorrow. Just clipped my fingernails.

On Wednesday I had an appointment with a muslim psychologist. I was unable to communicate with him due to being worried about Islam. I have made a new appointment with a non-muslim psychologist. But it is not until the fourth of January. So I have to tough it out until then. I am not sure how much a psychologist can help me anyway. Maybe he can give me some strategies for dealing with the OCD episodes. I say OCD because I get obsessed by individual thoughts, though I do not get compulsions. All that happens is that I think about things really intensely. You could call it anxiety episodes, or schizophrenic episodes as the voices tend to come out more during the episodes. I just call them episodes. I know what I mean. :) I think about God more during the episodes. I still struggle with some atheistic tendencies. I don't want to be an atheist. I am focused on believing in God as strongly as I can. But atheistic thought patterns exist in my mind. I sometimes have moments of pure atheism. Where I do not feel God at all. I am trying to have these less often. It's like the swinging of a pendulum. I put my energy into the God-ward swings, and take away energy on the atheistic swings. So I should be able to believe in God more fully eventually. Sometimes the reality of God seems so blindingly obvious, other times not at all obvious. I guess for some reason God wanted to have the universe perfectly poised between theism and atheism. You couldn't come up with a more ambiguous universe if you tried. Believing has just as strong arguments as disbelieving. It comes down to personal choice. You choose to involve yourself with a church, which hopefully will build faith. You choose to affirm the beliefs you want to have, and reject the ones you don't want to have.

My breathing exercises give me half a minute of peace at a time. The episodes are completely reset by the breathing exercises, but they soon come back. But I treasure those brief seconds of peace. I still see writing flowing in my vision but I can't make out what it says. I hope I can eventually start to make out what it says. Maybe it will give me insights into the episodes. I feel like the writing is registering on some level, I feel like I have consumed words when I see it, but I don't know what those words were. Sometimes during my more intense episodes I can actually make out some of the writing. I feel physically relaxed by the breathing exercises, I enjoy doing them. I think the episodes are related somehow to the breathing exercises. Maybe if I didn't do the exercises I wouldn't get the episodes. But the breathing exercises seem to briefly cancel the episodes. So maybe overall the breathing exercises are helping with the episodes.

I have been eating meat about once a week. I feel a bit guilty but I enjoy eating meat, it is delicious. I guess I am not as ethical as I thought. I hope the animals forgive me. I am mostly vegetarian. I at gnocchi gorgonzola today. Also I ate a cheese and spinach roll today.

Well I am running out of things to write about.

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